How can I fix my relationship?

When a relationship has found itself in a downward spiral, when it’s weighed down with problems or has become a break up/make up situation, or a complete disconnect, even a break up, a lot of dating coaches, talk show hosts or therapists will tell you to put in more effort, to try harder, and to communicate more, show understanding etc.

(This is well intentioned advice, but you will find that men get burnt out by "emotional dialogue" very quickly.)

We might find ourselves dismayed that the harder we try the worse things become. It can make us feel like a failure. Going in to "Miss fix it mode" will often leave you feeling more hopeless than ever.

My dear if you are finding your love life to be full of strife, or your relationship despite the strong connection, seems to never run smoothly. It is likely that you want it too much.

Yes, seriously.

When we try too hard to fix things, it starts to feel unnatural or controlled. In contrast to that natural association we had in the beginning that seemed to take no effort, now we are putting our full energy in to making something work and somehow that happy outcome only slips further away.

Like a rainbow, if you chase it, it eludes you, but if you  stop and marvel at its beauty you can appreciate it fully without tiring yourself out.

Some times what we really need to do is let go

Take a step back, shift your focus back to you and allow events to follow a natural course, when we hold on tighter or try to manoeuvre situations in our favor we are coming from a place of fear.

To let go is to trust in ourselves, to trust in the universe to always bring us what we need at the right time.

Once in a while things will fall apart as you learn to let go, the man you were trying to make it work with may walk away, but if your efforts were the only thing holding up the relationship then it probably wasn't worth having.

In most cases you will see an almost instant change in people, you will see them automatically gravitate towards you. Sensing the shift in your energy and wanting to be closer to you.  I am not saying that letting go is an easy thing to learn, and in itself it doesn't necessarily change the outcome, only your attachment to it. But it may actually change your path in a positive way. 

Imagine there was a power cable to your anxiety and panicked thoughts, what would happen if you simply unplugged it? ditching chaos, frustration and your tireless efforts to control a situation, and  instead you just breathe. You would certainly suffer less, that's for sure.

It's not that you stop caring about something, it's just that you no longer allow the situation to own you.

Out of all the lessons I have learnt in my life, Letting go has been the most transforming. It has brought harmony to my world in a way that I could have only dreamed of back when I was “clinging”

Now I am on the “Let go” emotional diet for life, try it…soon you will swear by it too.

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

-Deborah Reber

Affirmation "I release you (person/situation) with love and light, thank you!"

To all the lovely ladies...

Confidence comes from knowing who you are, and loving yourself, even for the things you may consider quirky, or geeky.

However true acceptance of self a major key to happiness. Some days you may believe you are not pretty enough or slim enough, people may cause you to believe you intelligence is below par. You may have a bad hair day or fight with your boyfriend.

But only you can control what you believe about you, every opinion is subjective anyway so start loving yourself today, flaws and all!

Do you stop loving your best friend because she had a bad hair day, a fight or a dumb moment? of course you don't! Perhaps you love her even more for her short comings, there is beauty in the imperfections of a person. That vulnerability of them being just as human as you, and making mistakes promotes your love and compassion towards her.

So why can't you do that for you?

If you have learnt to be your own best friend then you are truly blessed. When you can pick yourself up from the falls we all inevitably face and forgive yourself with a smile or a giggle, then you can bounce back from just about anything!

Life isn't meant to be taken too seriously, we are all beautiful and unique in our own right, and a sense of true love for who you are increases that beauty ten fold.

So be your own friend today, if life kicks you down, don't frown (it causes lines anyway!) stand up, dust yourself off, take a candle lit bubble bath with your favorite scents, watch a flick that promotes howls of laughter, or call your number 2 best friend...Calling yourself could be complicated!

Because you, are magnificent. Just the way you are.

Why the law of attraction isn't working...

...and what "The Secret" didn't tell us!

If you are a spiritual person or interested in the ever giving pursuit of self-growth, then chances are you are in to the law of attraction. The belief that what you put out in to the world, what you visualize, affirm and believe, comes back to you. That you are the creator of your world.

I remember long before The Secret, reading about the great masters of manifestation, in amazement and feeling inspired to live my life as an intentional being. It took me a long time before I could virtually eradicate negativity but I started to see it working.

Then the Secret came a long and blew our minds, it seems glorious, simplistic and quite awe inspiring. However watching it I always felt like they missed something out, for a long time I couldn’t figure out what it was.

My experience of the Law of attraction seemed somewhat hit and miss, sometimes it worked, other times it didn’t. People said to me “The universe knows what is for your highest good, so if it didn’t manifest it wasn’t right for you” this didn't sit right with me. I wanted to truly be that magnificent creator and I was going to find out why it didn't always work!

When it worked it was so obviously "intention" but when it didn’t I questioned the entire thing.

It seemed like for some reason I could manifest the things I didn’t really care about, but the stuff I really wanted never showed up, how maddening!

Finally it hit me, that was the answer! “I could manifest the things I didn’t care about but not the things I really did care about”…think about that one.

Now everyone who knows my teachings well, knows that I always talk about “letting go” but this realization gave me further insight as to why it is so important and meaningful

I remembered something I had read years ago by Deepak Chopra, about the law of detachment, and suddenly it hit me, the law of detachment is the missing piece of the law of attraction puzzle. The reason many people give up believing the law of attraction didn’t work, or after having mixed results, questioning its actual power. This law was never mentioned in the secret. The people involved always claimed that much had been edited from the film, but it almost seemed like a gimmick to sell more LOA programs.

The Law of Detachment:"This law says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You give up your attachment to the result. This is a very powerful thing to do. The moment you relinquish your attachment to the result, combining one-pointed intention with detachment at the same time, you will have that which you desire. Anything you want can be acquired through detachment, because detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. True wealth consciousness is the ability to have anything you want, anytime you want, and with least effort. To be grounded in this experience you have to be grounded in the wisdom of uncertainty. In this uncertainty you will find the freedom to create anything you want."

From The seven spiritual laws of success, by Deepak Chopra

This is why I was able to manifest the things I didn't feel as passionate about. We are told to visualize, to focus on our intention. But in doing so it is easy to fixate, to become impatient, to allow doubt to creep in. So I changed my approach to manifestation it instead became

Intention > Visualise> be grateful> detach > receive> Be grateful 

What do you know? It began to work! Somehow despite having a copy of the 7 spiritual laws hanging around for years, I hadn't connected the dots. I had always questioned why even when I was intensely focused, what I wanted didn't manifest.

I believe the reason for this is that when we overly focus, fixate, we are actually creating resistance, even “hope” becomes negative, because hope is not complete and unwaivering trust that our desires will be realized. It is so easy to swing back in to a place of questioning,doubt or fear. Negative energy that actually cancels our desires from manifesting.

Which means it really is as simple, as wanting it but not wanting it too badly.
These rules apply to every area of your life, love, money, success, anything you can imagine!

I now believe that the Law of Detachment is as essential as the Law of Attraction when manifesting your hearts desire.

My recommendation would be that if you desire something, focus on it deeply for 5 minutes a day, trust that it will happen and then just let it go.